Archive by Author

My Life Changing Year – Day 12

25 Jul

Dear Mr. Cage,

I have long admired your work, and in trying to signal one out, I struggle. I’ve written about my adoration for your work, and never miss an opportunity to praise your limitless acting acumen which just blows me away like that time you played a misunderstood guy on the run in Pick any one of Cage’s movies.

I’m no one in particular, just a time agent for Temporal Inc. from Neo-Boston XVII, but I thought I’d send you a link to this book. It’s none of my business really, but I read in the press recently you had problems because of people saying you’re a talentless hack who just keeps playing the same schtick over and over again. They obviously make all this up, but still, it sounds like you could use a radical life-changer. Follow this book’s instruction every day and you’ll get much more positive publicity, let me assure you!

Anyways, I don’t want to bother you any longer, as I have my own problems such as chronal infestation of Zombie Pharaohs all across the timeline and a mosquito that will simply refuse to die.

I urge you to visit www.benrik.co.uk and join us for your own sake. Good Luck.

Itai Rosenbaum

P.S. Hit me up on Facebook if you need to discuss.

Tomorrow: Act Like a Spy Day

My Life Changing Year – Day 11

24 Jul

Oi!

Yes, you – you tentacled monstrosities. I am a human being – that’s those monkey-like creatures you slimey, green, googley eyed morons keep invading and losing to.

If our unadvanced asses keep beating you back (Doctor or no Doctor) – that doesn’t say much about you lot, does it?

So here I’m saying it – you all are morons. Complete and utter imbecils. You probably couldn’t teleport your way out of a biflorian carriage spacecube if you wanted to. I bet your spaceships can barely interlace an unreticulated ion-sphere. Yeah – I went there. Your progenesis lifeblood is probably no smarter than a three legged Curisaxitone. You guys are so stupid, that when you arrive at a trans-temporal flux gate, you don’t even bother checking the quantum probability matrix for possible divergent alterzones.

Basically – bite me, alien boys.

This has been Insult an Alien day.

Tomorrow: Recruit a Celebrity Day

My Life Changing Year – Day 10

23 Jul

Double digits!

Today’s mission was to do a “runner” or, as I know it, a “dine and dash”. For those unfamiliar – a dine and dash is when you go to a restaurant, eat, and leave without paying.

One of my running jokes is when I go to a restaurant with family/friends, we finish eating and I look at everyone, make as if I’m about to get up and say “so, dine and dash?” The book wants to deprive me of that joke. I won’t let it.

Also, I was at work all day long, and the only way we can eat is if we bring our food or order a delivery. I didn’t feel like starving today.

Tomorrow: Insult an Alien Day

My Life Changing Year – Day 9

22 Jul

So, today’s mission involved accepting my mortality by checking off things I’ve done on a HUGE list. I guess the point was to realize that there are some things you will just never get around to. Reading the list however, has just motivated me to get it all done. And I’m well on my way. The following is the items I have already completed, or well on my way to completing:

  • Learn Italian (not done yet, but only because the class conflicted with my schedule. Will be accomplished within 3 years)
  • Write that novel/screenplay (I am a writer, after all)
  • Compromise
  • Pretend that everything is all right
  • Follow this book rigorously (Exhibit A…)
  • Learn how to drive
  • Call your mother “Ma” (It’s how I answer the phone when she calls…)
  • Become an artist (see item #2)
  • Bite the dust (will do it at least once)
  • Move to Japan (April 2012, it’s in the plan)
  • Invent a cookie (you just don’t want to eat it)
  • Become grumpy when old (a likely possibility)
  • Ride a camel
  • Use a semicolon (again with the being a writer)
  • Speak in tongues
  • Become a fanatic
  • Save the world (there was an incident involving time traveling Pharaoh zombies…)
  • Be heterosexual
  • Stand and speak up for your rights (Ok, I may have been sitting down)
  • Talk to strangers
  • Start a fire
  • Order tap water
  • Grow a beard
  • Be on TV (was an audience member, but still)
  • Feel like Batman (Every. Single. Day.)
  • Become a Rock Star (I beat Rock Band’s Career Mode, so…)
  • Be drunk during office hours
  • Contemplate suicide
  • Break a promise
  • Get a tattoo (Iron Fist dragon on my right shoulder, second on the way…)
  • Go on a field trip
  • Take part in a brainstorming (how best to defeat Pharaoh zombies)
  • Ride a donkey
  • Proclaim yourself Emperor (the French refuse to recognize it, for some reason…)
  • Live within your means
  • See your face on banknote (I see things sometimes, have I mentioned?)
  • Start your own religion (Fictionism. Says so on my business card)
  • Experience an earthquake
  • Hibernate
  • Take a vow of silence (failed.)
  • Take a vow of chastity (failed.)
  • Move someone to tears
  • Tie the perfect shoelace knot (daily)
  • Reject society (daily)
  • Meet your great-great grandchildren (again, time traveling Pharaoh zombies…)
  • Suffer a fool gladly (otherwise it’s just double-standards, really)
  • Think up a new swear word (you’re floozle right I would)
  • Escape your past (you know the drill by now… Pharaoh zombies…)
  • Master the remote control (I pwn that bee-atch)
  • Make a pact with the devil (my soul for immortality)
  • Wish upon a star (to get out of my pact with the devil)
  • Tell your deepest secret
  • Feel ugly
  • Feel pretty (and witty)
  • Sniff superglue (possibly once too many)
  • Whistle while you work
  • Become a superhero (see: Batman)
  • Make a leap of faith (trip, fall)
  • Live to tell the tale (see, above)
  • Forgive and Forget
  • Crush grapes with your bare feet (and bear feet, too)
  • Sup with Satan (you don’t sign away your soul without dinner first)
  • Travel back in time (do I really need to say it? starts with ‘Pha”, ends with ‘ombies’)
  • Think the unthinkable
  • Come out of a black hole alive (cheapest way to time travel)
  • Predict an eclipse (it just didn’t come true)
  • Wear a cape (no self-respecting superhero goes out without one)
  • Spot the Invisible Man (he’s behind you)
  • Do the Rubik’s Cube
  • Acquire a hard-ass nickname (Itai “Princess Margarine” Rosenbaum)
  • Ooze charm (please…)
  • Howl at the full moon
  • Find your self
  • Other (I’ve done plenty of ‘other’)

Tomorrow: Dine and Dash Day

My Life Changing Year – Day 8

21 Jul

Week two, starting off with a bang – a self portrait!

So, I present to you – me, as viewed by me:

Not seen: 42 Ninjas and a care-bear (deceased).

Tomorrow: Accept Mortality Day

My Life Changing Year – Day 7

20 Jul

So today, I was supposed to send my passport off to Benrik (the authors of the book) and have them stamp it.

That’s not going to happen. First of all, I live in Israel and sending my passport to England will cost a pretty penny, not to mention I’d be without it for a good couple of weeks with a good chance that I’ll never see it again, the Israeli post system being what it is.

Secondly, it’s hard enough travelling with an Israeli passport as it is, having it stamped by a fictional country is sure to have flags.

I am thinking of a trip to Ireland though.

Tomorrow: Self-Portrait Day

My Life Changing Year – Day 6

19 Jul

So, before I get to today’s assignment – there is something that must be known.

I am a very picky eater. That’s putting it mildly, so today’s assignment “Try Food that Scares You”, is really the first of the real life-changing ones in this book.  It takes a lot out of me to try out new foods. To illustrate – a story. Two years ago, I went to Japan. I don’t, however, eat rice – which is a problem in Japan. So for two months before the trip, I psyched myself up and mentally prepared for having rice in Japan. I figured – if you’re going to start having it, might as well do it in the one place that’s most famous for it. I arrived in Japan and… couldn’t do it. Mental block, or I don’t know. Something in there simply stopped me from putting the stuff near my mouth.

So, anyways, yeah – today is a big day. I also don’t eat eggs. So…

Before...

And…

After

So, yay me. I eat eggs now. It wasn’t incredibly horrible like I thought. I’m not in love with eggs and don’t think I’ve been missing much, but it was an important step.

Tomorrow: Stamp Your Passport Day

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